HOPE

I am so tired. 

Exhausted.

Spent. 

It's been a month of long bus rides for visa renewal, different visitors, surviving malaria, spending lots of time with our team, celebrating passover, hard goodbyes, packing, loading and then finally the 10 hour drive to Jinja, when I'll be until I fly out in May. 

And this is the moment that I'm supposed to be passed out in this comfy bed, but instead I lay wide awake. 

My brain has finally decided to slow down and process all the changes that have been happening and there's nothing I can do about it. 

First of all, I think about what I'm going to tell you all when I get home and you ask me how my time in Africa was. 

I don't really know what to tell you because I didn't start a school or any cool organization that fights world hunger. I didn't do much of anything spectacular. So I don't really have those answers yet. 

Then I lay here and think about my sweet friend Nacuk. I love her as if she were my own niece. 

We had a wonderful "last visit" yesterday with my friend Florence translating. I told her I was leaving but I would miss her so much and would check on her through my hutmate Elise. 

We hugged and took pictures. We also gave many things like coloring books, old towels, shirts, lotion and  containers to Nacuk and her family so they were very happy! 

I thought it would be so hard and sad telling her goodbye. Surprisingly it wasn't. She was smiling as she walked away with Florence and a load of goodies that she was carrying on her head. 

Yet I lay here and think of her, sleeping on the dirt floor of her hut, probably without a blanket, wearing the same clothes she has had on for days and days and most likely her family have gone to bed hungry once again. 

I grieve for her.

Then immediately this verse comes to mind:

"...that you may not grieve as others who have no hope..."

1 Thessalonians 4:13

I realize Paul is talking about the 2nd coming and getting caught up in the sky stuff, but the Lord used these words to remind me of 1 thing. 

HOPE. 

We have hope. 

I think of that day that I brought Nacuk home and Florence was sitting outside with her family and they were singing Christian songs and talking about the bible. 

HOPE. 

In the midst of hunger, sickness, poverty and hardship...there is hope.

I do not grieve as others who do not have hope. 

I have hope. 

I knew walking into this that I could not save Africa. 

But I have hope. 

Because I know the One who can. 

American Honey: Life in Lyrics

I love country music. It makes me think of home, small town Louisiana. 

I was laying in the hammock a few months ago listening to Lady A. There's a line in the song 'American Honey' that I relate to. It says: 

"Couldn't wait to get going 

But wasn't quite ready to leave.."

Now, this was just a few days before what I like to call, "The Great Reveal" happened. 

It was late that night when Wari came to speak to Kenneth. He explained how he was being greatly persecuted because of his association with us (the white people), and also how he would never know who the true believers in the churches were as long as we were there. Basically, our presence was no longer needed or beneficial in our small area. 

Our team happened to all be together that night, and after some discussion we all felt strongly that after 4 years in Karamoja, it was time for the Williams to move on. 

The Lord spoke to me that night to "keep my agenda open" but I knew it meant that I also would not be returning to Uganda after the summer, as planned. 

So back to the music. 

Those lyrics continue to replay over in mind. 

I feel somewhat anxious. 

Part of me is ready to get going. Ready to be done with goodbyes, be done with packing and move on to whatever is next. 

The other part of me is not quite ready to leave. I want to hold onto this moment, this place, these people and this season just a little bit longer. It has been such a challenging, yet truly wonderful season. 

What these lyrics have made me realize though, is that I always want to be living my life in this way.

My teammate Andrew says it a little better:

"Willing to go. 

Content to stay."

I don't want to live my life in such a way that I'm so comfortable with where I'm at that I'm not willing to move on.

Nor do I want to live in such a way that in so caught up in the moving forward that I'm not content with where I'm standing. 

I've struggled with both of these scenarios at different times in my life. 

But I hope to live in such a way that I remember I am just a sojourner in this life. That this world is not my home. 

"I miss those days as the years go by. Oh, nothing's sweeter than summertime, 

and American honey..."