HOPE

I am so tired. 

Exhausted.

Spent. 

It's been a month of long bus rides for visa renewal, different visitors, surviving malaria, spending lots of time with our team, celebrating passover, hard goodbyes, packing, loading and then finally the 10 hour drive to Jinja, when I'll be until I fly out in May. 

And this is the moment that I'm supposed to be passed out in this comfy bed, but instead I lay wide awake. 

My brain has finally decided to slow down and process all the changes that have been happening and there's nothing I can do about it. 

First of all, I think about what I'm going to tell you all when I get home and you ask me how my time in Africa was. 

I don't really know what to tell you because I didn't start a school or any cool organization that fights world hunger. I didn't do much of anything spectacular. So I don't really have those answers yet. 

Then I lay here and think about my sweet friend Nacuk. I love her as if she were my own niece. 

We had a wonderful "last visit" yesterday with my friend Florence translating. I told her I was leaving but I would miss her so much and would check on her through my hutmate Elise. 

We hugged and took pictures. We also gave many things like coloring books, old towels, shirts, lotion and  containers to Nacuk and her family so they were very happy! 

I thought it would be so hard and sad telling her goodbye. Surprisingly it wasn't. She was smiling as she walked away with Florence and a load of goodies that she was carrying on her head. 

Yet I lay here and think of her, sleeping on the dirt floor of her hut, probably without a blanket, wearing the same clothes she has had on for days and days and most likely her family have gone to bed hungry once again. 

I grieve for her.

Then immediately this verse comes to mind:

"...that you may not grieve as others who have no hope..."

1 Thessalonians 4:13

I realize Paul is talking about the 2nd coming and getting caught up in the sky stuff, but the Lord used these words to remind me of 1 thing. 

HOPE. 

We have hope. 

I think of that day that I brought Nacuk home and Florence was sitting outside with her family and they were singing Christian songs and talking about the bible. 

HOPE. 

In the midst of hunger, sickness, poverty and hardship...there is hope.

I do not grieve as others who do not have hope. 

I have hope. 

I knew walking into this that I could not save Africa. 

But I have hope. 

Because I know the One who can. 

American Honey: Life in Lyrics

I love country music. It makes me think of home, small town Louisiana. 

I was laying in the hammock a few months ago listening to Lady A. There's a line in the song 'American Honey' that I relate to. It says: 

"Couldn't wait to get going 

But wasn't quite ready to leave.."

Now, this was just a few days before what I like to call, "The Great Reveal" happened. 

It was late that night when Wari came to speak to Kenneth. He explained how he was being greatly persecuted because of his association with us (the white people), and also how he would never know who the true believers in the churches were as long as we were there. Basically, our presence was no longer needed or beneficial in our small area. 

Our team happened to all be together that night, and after some discussion we all felt strongly that after 4 years in Karamoja, it was time for the Williams to move on. 

The Lord spoke to me that night to "keep my agenda open" but I knew it meant that I also would not be returning to Uganda after the summer, as planned. 

So back to the music. 

Those lyrics continue to replay over in mind. 

I feel somewhat anxious. 

Part of me is ready to get going. Ready to be done with goodbyes, be done with packing and move on to whatever is next. 

The other part of me is not quite ready to leave. I want to hold onto this moment, this place, these people and this season just a little bit longer. It has been such a challenging, yet truly wonderful season. 

What these lyrics have made me realize though, is that I always want to be living my life in this way.

My teammate Andrew says it a little better:

"Willing to go. 

Content to stay."

I don't want to live my life in such a way that I'm so comfortable with where I'm at that I'm not willing to move on.

Nor do I want to live in such a way that in so caught up in the moving forward that I'm not content with where I'm standing. 

I've struggled with both of these scenarios at different times in my life. 

But I hope to live in such a way that I remember I am just a sojourner in this life. That this world is not my home. 

"I miss those days as the years go by. Oh, nothing's sweeter than summertime, 

and American honey..."

step by step

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

This scripture was ingrained into my heart and mind by my youth leader and friend, Mrs. Teresa Sauce. I'm pretty sure she wrote it on every card and note that she ever signed. I think that it's finally beginning to sink in a little...maybe. 

You see, I've spent the last month or so trying to "figure out" what the next step for me is. 

I just got impatient and kept making up all these ideas and all these plans.

I could move to that place and minister to those people...

I could live in this place and work at that job...

I could date this guy and live this life...

I could work this job and pay off these loans...

I could live with this person and do this thing...

My goodness! How many plans does a girl have to make and break before she finally gives up, and gives in, to the Lord. 

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

Our society and culture tell us to figure it all out and have a 5 year plan and go to school, get married, start your career, have babies, get a dog, nice cars, big house, TV in every room, fill your schedule with this and that and don't relax or breath unless you're sleeping or on vacation or dead. 

They tell us to live for the here and the now, to store your treasures here on earth, where theives break in and moths destroy. 

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

Something I love about God is the way He deals so spontaneously with me. He must know I get bored or fall asleep if I sit still for too long. He's always keeping me on my toes, always keeping me guessing expectantly. 

Honestly, the biggest decisions I've made in life, I haven't had to spend much time praying about. So far, he has just spoken to me or opened the door and I just know what to do next. He gives me more peace about the right option than the other option. And He always provides. Always. 

He guides my feet, one step at a time. 

For example:

Go to LaTech (flipped a coin)

Spend the summer in Indonesia (took the open door)

Go to Ghana (said yes)

Move to Utah (working a wilderness therapy job that I found through google!)

Quit that job and work at a homeless shelter in Colorado (unexpected change of plans in a day)

Nanny Miles (so fun!)

Go back to Ghana (totally a God thing)

Then go to Uganda 

Work in Ruston, live in Georgetown (what!?) 

Move to Uganda 

All of this, the last seven years of my life, God has made each and every step of the way so abundantly clear at just the right moment. 

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

And hasn't he been so faithful to me!? Each step of the way, I've always had money, food, clothes, a car, and housing. Even friends! I have never been in need. 

 

When I went to Tech, I didn't know I would end up living in Uganda. I didn't need to know! 

I don't know 2 steps ahead of me now, and I don't need to know!  

All of this to say, and maybe I'm just talking to myself here, quit trying to "figure out" the next five steps of your life and just focus on the path you're on right now. God knows what we need. He's got this under control. He will let us know what's next at just the right moment. It's always our faith that is lacking, never his provision. 

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

A Beautiful Paradox

I went on vacation.

I didn't even realize I needed a vacation,

but I suppose I did.

And I fell in love. 

(Using the term very lightly, of coarse.)

I fell in love with white water rafting.

(And our rafting guide, Davey Baby.)

I fell deeply in love with 2 new dear friends and soul sisters, Bri and Kate.

I fell in love with Philly cheese steak

and expresso

and chocolate and peanut butter shakes.

I fell in love with grilled cheese

and apples

and peppermint mocha coffee creamer.

(at the hospitality of Kate and Lily.)

I fell in love with hot showers 

and sleeping with a fan.

I fell in love with the Nile River 

and rope swinging, boat cruising and searching for caves and waterfalls.

I fell in love with the sunset from the deck.

I fell in love with bean nachos, double cheeseburgers, Heinz ketchup, french fries and cold drinks.

I fell in love with each person we met, from Keiron who had visited his son in Capetown and we adopted as Papa K, to Kate, my lovely Aussie, the Denmark boys and Kristen from Florida, the bus load of Swedes, that guy from Mississippi with a heavier southern accent than even mine and Marky Mark from Scotland.

But you know what they say about vacation. 

It's good to be gone, but it's always good to get back home again.

When you're away from certain things, you realize how much they truly mean to you.

Or in my case,

how much they truly don't.

Haha.

I laugh because as I went to the beautiful land of Jinja and lived a life of adventure that most people only dream of...I realized something.

I was already living the dream.

Living the adventure. 

I'm already living the life God has called me to, and  love it.

It may not include rope swings or showers, burgers or even salad for that matter. 

It may just include my hutmate and I with our cats and trying to figure out what it means to seek God with all of our hearts. 

And living with the Williams, these crazy/awesome people and their 7, soon to be 8 or 9, children that all love God so much it's just ridiculous.

And learning from Andrew and Kerri, our other teammates, who follow hard after God wherever He leads them. 

I realized all those things I "fell in love" with in Jinja, they were all gifts from God, and I thoroughly enjoyed them, but they did not bring satisfaction or fulfillment to my soul. 

Not the way Jesus does.

Nor the way living for Him does.

And the way sitting at His feet, soaking up his presence, gives me life, and life to the full. 

And here, my friends, is the beautiful paradox. The scandal of grace.

The way to loving our lives, is to hate it. 

The way to living life to the fullest, is by giving it away. 

The way to find your life, is to lose it. 

It's one of those God things that doesn't make any sense at all but actually makes perfect sense, ya know? 

So today, I didn't white water raft or soak up sun rays on the Nile, but I did meet with my friends under a tree in Marru to sing and dance and pray. And now I'm headed down the hill to meet with Florence and Elise and read scriptures together. And I'm going to hug as many snotty nosed kiddos as I can. 

My life is full. 

And I love it. :) 

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord...

-Philippians 3:8